Fantasy Baseball Draft

"You mean they use real-life statistics to determine who wins when two teams play each other?"

"Yeah," I responded incredulously, somewhat appalled by her utter lack of understanding (or awareness) of the fundamentals of fantasy baseball.

"Ohhh," she said, still in disbelief that people dedicate such an inordinate amount of time to a virtual tournament, a tournament whose main prize is annual bragging rights and whatever amount of money its participants decide to pony up. 

Despite the (likely) possibility that she'll never again associate with me, I decided to give Steph a crash-course in fantasy baseball -- drafting techniques (you can always pick up useful pitching in the later rounds); the higher value placed on hitting (power-hitting outfielders and corner-infielders are always gobbled up by the 9th round); and the scarcity of elite catchers (after the Big Four, virtually no backstop is worth taking before the 10th round). 

"What skills do you need to be a catcher?" asked Steph. "Don't you just need to catch the ball?"

After explaining to her the immutable baseball principle that catchers -- who spend tens of thousands of innings squatting behind home plate, putting loads of undue stress on their bodies -- decline precipitously as they reach their mid-30's, I thought it was the perfect segue to offering her my analysis of last night's fantasy baseball draft. 

The Outcome

Overall, the draft was a bit of an oddity in that such a great emphasis was placed on starting pitching and elite catchers.

Traditionally, the truly elite pitchers --Pedro in '98, Pedro in '99, Pedro in '00, Pedro in '01 Pedro in '02, Pedro in '03, Johan Santana in '05 '06 '07 and '08 -- will get taken within the first three rounds and in rare occasions within the first two rounds. This year Old Man Bartlett got the ball rolling by taking Tim Lincecum in the middle of Round 2 (#14 overall), which incidentally sparked a domino effect that led to the selections of eight starting pitchers -- Johan Santana, Cole Hamels, C.C. Sabathia, A.J. Burnett (more on this later), Roy Halladay, Chad Billingsley, Brandon Webb and Dan Haren -- before the end of the 5th round (Jake Peavy was taken with the first pick of the 6th round).  I've never been involved in a draft in which this many starting pitchers were taken off the board before I even made my 5th pick. 

Moreover, the Big Four catchers -- Russell Martin, Brian McCann, Joe Mauer and Geovanny Soto -- all were selected before I made my 4th pick in the draft. Catcher is a scarce position, with the aforementioned four guys firmly entrenched in the first-tier followed by huge drop-off to the second-tier (Ryan Doumit, Mike Napoli, Chris Ianetta). Firmly entrenched in the 800th-tier? Your own Jason Varitek. What made this development so strange was that, in some mock-draft scenarios, the top-4 catchers usually last until about mid-way through the 5th round. Needless to say, when Wolf grabbed Pratt stalwart Brian McCann with the #3 pick in the 4th round, I was a little pissed off. 

Although I missed out on my catcher of choice, these fantasy draft anomalies opened the door and allowed for some great bargains to be had. Like an old lady at a flea market down south, I scooped up on the cheap Carlos Quentin (projected 2nd rounder but got him in the late 4th round), Adam Dunn (7th round), rookie phenom Matt Wieters (11th round), Corey Hart (12th round) and the underrated Andre Ethier (16th round). 

As a result of these acquisitions, I can state unequivocally that this is the best offense I've sported in my 7-8 years of fantasy baseball. 

C- Posada/Wieters

1B- Albert Pujols

2B- Dustin Pedroia

3B- Kevin Youkils

CI- Adam Dunn

OF- Carlos Beltran

OF- Carlos Quentin

OF- Corey Hart

Util- Andre Ethier

My pitching:

SP-Beckett

SP-King Felix

SP- Edison Volquez

Closer-Kerry Wood

Closer- Huston Street

Closer- Old Man Trevor Hoffman

P- J.J. Putz (we play with holds)

P- Ted Lilly (17 wins 184 K's last season)

P-Derek Lowe

P- Chris Carpenter (hasn't allowed an earned run all spring)

P- Gil Meche

In case you haven't noticed, I really really really enjoy engaging fantasy baseball and everything that comes with it -- the draft, the trash talking, the chat room during the draft, the sleepers, the preparation and everything else. In particular, there were a couple moments (and comments) during last night's draft that really made the night hall-of-fame caliber. So without further ado, I've comprised a list of 11 pre-season awards and decided to hand them out in my blog.

Enjoy.

The Matt Millan award for "Worst Draft Pick of The Night"...

Goes to our long distance GM, Greg Kulaga, who inexplicably selected A.J. Burnett with the 10th pick in the 2nd round, 20th overall. Q, we understand that technical malfunctions are apt to occur, but I haven't laughed that hard since Mark Meagher tried to pick up girls at Funusual by showing them his Mario Kart driver's license. 

The Andy Reid and Donovan McNabb award for "Most Agonizing Clock Management Skills"...

To the old man, Dave Bartlett. Dave, I don't know if it's because you hit the Metamucil bottle hard before the draft, but I think you waited until the clock read 0:03 before before finally selecting your players.

The "Why Me?" Nancy Kerrigan award for the "Guy Who Was Most Upset When He Didn't Get His Favorite Player"...

To Mike Nadeau. It's ok, Du, you can come clean and admit that you shed a tear when Bragg selected Jed Lowrie at the beginning of the 20th round. He's sharp, gritty and white -- all of which appeal to you -- but there is light around that bend. Remember that.

The Donnie Sadler/Michael Olowakandi award for "Biggest Disappointment of The Draft"...

Goes to my old, old friend, Dave Carty, who inexplicably passed over a sure fire "Ace" with the 8th pick in the 23rd (and final) round. 

With the clock ticking and the chat room shaking from the deafening "GORZO-GORZO" chants, Old Man Carty -- much to the disappointment of the crowd -- passed on Pirates "ace" Tom Gorzelanny in favor of Joel Zumaya.

In the end, I guess he didn't want him badly enough.

The Old Yeller award for "Most Depressing Turn of Events in The Draft"...

To Matt Porter, for pointing out in the 7th round that David Ortiz was still on the board. 

Saddest Days of my life:

1) When we put my beloved cat down.

2) When Dale Earnhardt died. 

3) When Porter wrote, "nobody wants (Ortiz)."

The Minnesota Vikings award for "Biggest Draft-Day Blunder"...

Unfortunately goes to me. 

Back in the 2003 NFL Draft, the Minnesota Vikings, holding the 7th selection, baffled the football world when the team failed to get its pick in before the unnecessarily long and agonizing 15 minute time limit expired. 

Likewise, during the 14th round last night, I mistakenly thought that Sam's team was on the clock when, in fact, my team was on the clock. So when the computer spit out Son of Sam...Leroy (my team) drafts Jorge Posada, a collective "What The Fuck????" permeated the chat room. 

Regrettably, the last blunder I committed to that degree involved an innocent, unassuming Shaw's Market bathroom stall and a poorly cooked chicken sandwich.

The Willis Reed "Rally of The Night" award...

Goes to Nick Bragg, who managed to finagle his way out of work so he could show up for the draft. By manning up, our friends at Elias Sports Bureau have informed me that Bragg helped the league achieve a "Perfect Attendance" draft night, believed to be the first ever in fantasy sports history. Thanks Bragg!

The Finally Doin' It award for "Best Inside Joke of The Draft"...

Goes to newcomer Ben Wolf, for his esoterically humorous team name "Gus It Up And Go."

Roughly five months ago, Wolf, Douglas, a few assorted characters and I all made our bi-monthly pilgrimage to Old Country Buffet. Our waiter, a sprightly old gal with a smile spread ear-to-ear, sported an Old Country Buffet name-tag on which "GUSSY" was embroidered in big, black lettering.

About half-way through the meal, I left the table to take a dump in order to cleanse my system so I could clear some space for a few dozen more of OCB's sweet, sweet chicken fingers. Naturally, I returned to the table and proudly announced that "I just took a huge shit." Unbeknownst to me, Gussy, ever diligent, had snuck up behind me to remove the empty dishes from our table. Upon hearing the words "I just took a huge s***," Gussy, visibly shaken by my crass pronouncement, quickly gathered up the dishes and was never seen again. 

Since then, whenever Wolf and I engage in conversation, we always address one another as "Gus."

The Pedro Points To The Sky award for "Signature Coda To The Draft"...

Goes to Alex MacDonald, who a mere seconds after the final selection exclaimed, "Now pay me my f------ money!"

The Mark Bellhorn award for "Most Unheralded Performance During Crunch Time"...

To my old, dear friend Dave Carty, who continually brought the house down with his Tom Gorzelanny remarks and this brilliant quip after Kulaga's selection of A.J. Burnett:

"Is DL stints a category?"

And finally...The Pete Rose award for "Biggest Gambling Addict in (Fantasy) Baseball...

To everyone's favorite hearing-impaired member of the league, Sam Leroy. 

30 minutes before the draft, upon realizing that I had the #2 pick, I half-jokingly said to Sam, "Man, I wish we could trade picks..I'd love to move about three spots back."

Little did I know that this would inspire a half hour's worth of Sam trying to concoct some devious and wholly unrealistic scheme in which we'd swap the #2 and #4 picks and then spend the rest of the draft making selections for each other. All that was missing from this scenario was a few betting slips and a half-hearted confession to Charlie Gibson. 

Until next year...